The Heart Of Worship

I had such a great weekend! My beloved cousins from Malaysia spent the weekend with us. I was delighted that Kev, Mel and Gina were able to come to Singapore and hang out with us. Their visit truly cheered up the Tan household at Sirat Place (well, at least it cheered me greatly!), and brought a Bundle of Blessings to this needful heart.

In the midst of the Blessings, God granted me a very special encounter and spoke to my heart deeply. Because my cousin Melvin is deaf, we attended a deaf service at Faith Community Baptist Church on Saturday evening. It was my first time attending a deaf service.

As a musician who has been active in the worship ministry in church -- whether playing the keyboards or singing -- I have always prided myself on being a "worshipper" simply because I had "good musicality" or "excellent musicianship".

But here at the deaf service, God showed me something about what true worship was really about. He convicted me about the poverty of my own worship (which I had often thought was "so great" or at least "good enough"!). Being at the deaf service showed me a glimpse of what really mattered to God, and I am both humbled and rebuked. I have been changed here, and I think I will not be the same again.

We "normal" people are often so picky and petty about musical perfection and audio quality ("more reverb please!" -- but only so that we can sound better, for our own glory!). The soul-searching question is, is our worship really about God? Or about US?!? Under the guise of serving God, we have really been serving ourselves!!!

As I watched the deaf break into their own "song", it is ironic that while their tuneless ramble sounded nothing like what we would have called music, yet there was such beauty in their expressive sign language of "How Great Thou Art" and "Rise Up and Praise Him". It may not have been music that would top the pop charts, as far as their verbalisations were concerned, but I am very sure it was Music in the Lord's ears. He always delights in the worship of His children, in whatever method the worship and adoration came! The issue was a matter of the Heart, not of the Skill.

I am rebuked by the realisation that how often I have relegated my praises of God to a performance of pitch-perfection... but at the expense of True Worship! In our quest for excellence, I wonder if we may have sacrificed worship at the altar of idolatry... an idolatry of Self!

The "silent worship" may be after all, in the final analysis, the Truer and More Acceptable worship than our pitch-perfect tones, which may actually be nothing more than noise in our Lord's ears...

Grrr is for Grrr-ouchy Grrr-umps

I have been having this headache that just engulfs my entire head and won't go away. It's been there for the last two weeks.

Went to see the doctor yesterday who says it's probably a tension headache. Will monitor for one week and see how. Never had it before. First time. Was really grouchy. Concentration is painful, and I'm more than just a little moody. On painkillers and nerve pain numbing pills or something like that.

So many pills. Good grief. I feel like I'm a drug addict about to overdose.

Grrr. Can you blame me for snapping at a friend last night? I guess it's no excuse, but I was really irritated with my own head, and of course, irritable generally.

Grr again.

The Sweetest Phone Call

I received the sweetest phone call today just fifteen minutes ago at 6:45 pm. My little four-year-old friend Shjonathan called, and in his four-year-old vocabulary, asked me, "Che Che Bel, can you come?"

He wanted me to come to his house, and repeatedly extended the invitation, attempting to convince me with his four-year-old logic.

"Che Che Bel, can you come? I want to show you something." (He had a lego set and toys which he wanted me to play with him.)

"Che Che Bel, I ask mummy, ok? Can you come?"

When I said it was late already, and that he might have to go to bed soon, he said, "Then you come, ok? Then I can say goodbye to you first (before he went to bed). Can you come?"

I discovered, after asking him a few questions, that his mummy had gone out to fetch daddy home from work. So he was calling me out of his own initiative!

I took the opportunity to remind him, "Than Than, Che Che Bel loves you very much, don't forget that, ok?"

In his sweet little voice, he said, "OK." He received my love in return, and I was glad that today, I had the opportunity to tell him that he mattered to me.

My dear little Shjonathan! I was so moved to receive such a sweet phone call, and feeling so "remembered" and "thought of". I did not expect to feel anything other than sorrow and melancholy today (for I had been particularly struggling with a deep sense of loneliness), but little Shjonathan's phone call really made my day.

His simple gesture of making the phone call symbolised to me an expression of his love and care in his own little way, and perhaps this was God's way of touching me today.

God knew what I needed right at this moment, more than I could have ever articulated myself. He showed His love for me through the warmth and beauty of this little child. I am so blessed.

I love you, Than Than, and I love You too, Lord. Thank You, Lord, for reaching me in such a tangible way. Just when I least expect it, You let me experience Your comfort and touch in a way that surprised me much but blessed me most.

A Child's Delight

My little seven-year-old friend Shjoneman brings me great delight. He is an expressive little boy with a tough exterior, but an extremely tender heart. Tonight when we came to his house, he was so full of delight to see me, and seeing him brought me equal measure of joy, if not more.

I remember a day years back when Shjoneman was just a toddler, probably two years old or thereabouts. He was in the car seat, and his mum was just pulling her car around when he spotted me. I still remember the look of sheer delight that flashed from his big brown eyes, and radiated from his entire face... I had never felt so loved and special and adored all in the same breath! All from this one child's delight!

In that one moment, I think I experienced a rare purity -- one of utter sincerity,and unadulterated affection that was not yet tainted by any selfish motives or malicious intent, but simply sheer delight... of being with someone you love.

Perhaps the real delight was found in This Child, as she basked in the glow of a little boy's love that simply delighted in her just for who she is, not what she had to do or become in order to be liked and loved.

A Poem

Desire...
Hope unfulfilled, dreams in the making

Desire...
Yearning, aching, longing

Desire...
Emptiness, wanting more

Desire...
Dare we delve?

Desire...
What's for dinner??? :)

Present Misery, Future Hope

Think we all have known, at some point or another, what it feels like to lose someone you love -- or doing the right thing in letting someone go.

Going through the grieving process takes time. Takes energy. Takes pain. Courage to Feel The Pain in order to move on.

That's my reflection for today as I feel my present pain. I thought I could cope with "living in between", but you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's not possible. Strings have to be cut; letting go is the loving thing to do.

Like my galpal Gloria says, better it is "present misery for future hope" than to settle for "present relief for future pain".

Wise words. Thanks for that, my friend. I sure needed the reminder today.

Heart Of The Matter

I'm very tired today. Made the deadline. Finished putting together a 152-page book for our Annual General Meeting. It may only be ministry reports, but it sure is a whole lot of pages! It's like publishing an entire book -- except that it's a combination of writers.

I'm very tired. Chasing people for deadlines. Keeping my cool when people keep changing their data just when I've finished their section. Staying patient with people who don't understand stages of work or follow systems. Worse yet, when they're my leaders... sigh...

I have to learn humble submission and rebuke myself for being prideful, thinking I know better than them, and not giving honour where honour is due. Lord, forgive me for my pride and self-centredness.

So what if I meet a deadline, but miss the heart of the matter - which is to love people and give grace as I have received grace, right? Lord, please teach me how to value what you value, and not lose focus on what is really important at the end of the day.

Something just strikes me now... perhaps when I experience and am able to release grace, I may not be so tired after all, but on the contrary, I might actually find True Rest...??

Every Contribution Counts

Recently I had been rather discouraged about my work and ministry. But God reminded me that the ultimate goal is to Save The Lost, and that every part of the body counts.

It is not a matter of how big or small my contribution is, but the fact that in Whatever I Do, the aim should be one singular goal -- saving souls. It's not about exalting MY Efforts or MY Ministry, but it is all about HIM -- and to share the hope Christ offers with those who do not yet know.

We do what we do because there is an eternal hope available to everyone who will hear and receive -- and in order for them to receive, they must first hear. That's where every effort put in counts.

As a church staff handling publications, I may not be "frontline ministry", but the seed I sow through the words I write may someday take root in someone's heart, and perhaps, in some small way, I am indeed contributing to the Kingdom of Christ.

So press on in whatever is in my hands to do -- for "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

God Is In The Midst

God reminds me that IN THE MIDST of whatever circumstances I am in -- from minor irritations to major quakes -- HE is in the midst (Psalm 46:5).

The Real Truth (double intended) is that God IS who He says He is -- whether or not I "believe" or "have faith". The truth about Him does not change. And that truth is stated clearly in the Bible, and here in this particular Psalm:

"God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore, we will not fear,
though the earth should change,
and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,
she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.

10-11
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold."

Psalm 46:1-5, 10-11


If God is In The Midst (with me, beside me, behind me, before me), then all I need do is "cease striving and know that (HE) is God" (Psalm 46:10) -- and Let God Be God! As for me, all I need do is ... Nothing. Just trust. Just rest in Him. Just Cease Striving.

As I face a new year 2005, the resolution is to have "no resolutions". Sounds funny? Incongruent with the norm, but the thing is, making resolutions presupposes that one has the ability to fulfil them as long as we try hard. But the focus is still on ME. My efforts. My ability. Still striving.

So my resolution is to Not Resolve anything, but to just Cease. Meaning, STOP. Just rest in the "God who is In The Midst" and let Him carry me through all the crises of my life.

"The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold."
Psalm 46:11

I have faith in the promises of God that I will indeed find a blessed rest when I just Cease Striving, and know that my life is in the hands of a safe and trustworthy God who loves me too much to ever let me traverse my own wayward path -- not now, not then, not ever.

But only to give me True Rest for eternity! What a blessed hope!

Suffering and Hope

Can we truly make sense of suffering? The suffering of the victims of Asia's tsunami seems senseless. Worser yet, it seems, is the suffering of those left behind.

But have we ever considered that death perhaps is not something to be feared, but to be embraced? We fear death because it is unknown, and it seems like the End of hope. But as Christians, the truth is, death is merely the BEGINNING OF LIFE! Imagine that!

Here's another reality Pastor Edmund reminded us on Sunday: The ultimate suffering was experienced by Jesus Christ when He was nailed to the Cross -- paying the penalty that He DIDN'T deserve, but which *I* deserved! I am spiritually alive today, because God, in His mercy, did not kill me off (as I deserve), but let His Son die in my place!

I cannot explain nature's disasters, but I know what the Bible says. Mark 13:7 reads:
"When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be frightened; those things must take place; but that is not yet the end.
For nation will arise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will also be famines. These things are merely the beginning of birth pangs."

Beginning of birth pangs for what? For the Second Coming of Jesus Christ! And when HE comes, there will be ultimate Rest and Relief from all suffering as we know it -- for in present sufferings, they merely signal the coming of an eternal hope!

This hope is available for anyone who believes and receives Jesus Christ into his/her life. If you haven't already met Jesus, won't you receive Him today? He is the answer to our pain and suffering -- not just for today, but for all of eternity!!!

So... what are you waiting for? :)

Malacca Madness... and Makan, mm, mm!

What's a holiday without food!

Before all else, I must tell you that Roti Canai and Teh Tarik have become my tummy's best friends after this trip to Malacca. Um um um!!!! How do I describe it? A hot steaming pancake of fried dough and sumptuous curry... DEEEElicious! I couldn't get enough of it, as you can tell!!! :)

The tricky part for me, as a diabetic, was how to tell the servers to leave out the sugar from my teh tarik.
I only got as far as "no gula", which probably didn't make sense to some of them, because I recall one meal when I took one sip and discovered it was laden with sugar! However, glutton for teh that I was, I confess, I drank it all anyway!!! :)

This is my pal E-Lyn, also fondly known as Lynzeers, whom I was travelling with. She doesn't snore and she doesn't force me to do things I don't like to do (like exercise!), so you're indeed my best travel buddy, Lynzeers! :))

Lynzeers and I "bussed" (ie. took the bus) up to Malacca the day after Boxing Day 2004. By the way, did you know that it costs LESS to take a return bus ride to Malacca than for me to take a cab home from the office?!?! I can't get over how cheap it was -- $11 for one way! It costs $15 for that cab ride home!!!

Also, Lynzeers had this reaaallly great promotion voucher at Riviera Bay Resort, so this holiday cost us less than $100 each in terms of accommodation! Praise the Lord for providing for us really cash-strapped full-time workers :)

So what's a holiday without more food, right? Lynzeers calls this the "most 'pui-tenning' holiday" -- haha! ('Pui' means 'fat' in Hokkien.) I suppose she's right -- we just ate and ate and ate... ! This is Pattaya Kuey Teow -- noodles wrapped in egg. Yum! Get a glimpse of Malacca's delectable delights!

I used to stay away from those roadside places, simply because of personal fear of the unknown. But this trip was a total opposite for me -- we walked out from the hotel, and ate at this little place which we call the "Blue Chair" place, because we couldn't find the eatery's name on the outside, but we identified it by the blue chairs they used :)

Of course, later, we discovered the place is called Anjung. We had to run across the street of constantly moving traffic to get there -- a dangerous feat, but well worth the run, in my opinion!:) Only found out it was called Anjung because the tattered and torn menu had a fading title on it, which we suspect is the name of the place :) The place did not look at all fancy, but the food was simply, mm mm mm!!!!

Enough about food! The other most enjoyable part of the holiday for me was playing word games such as Text Twister and Scrabble with a most worthy opponent (Scrabble Queen Lynzeers!). It is amazing how many combinations of words there are, and how to creatively fit them all on that one tiny board! Check out our wordy creation...

Actually, I've just discovered how handy a palm pilot is -- besides organising calendars, checking a world clock and financial management, Lynzeers' palm pilot has a dictionary so we can check up strange words (that still befuddle me!). Given our enjoyment of a good word challenge, I think Lynzeers and I could play Scrabble forever and ever. Never a dull moment as long as there are word games!

I enjoy word games tremendously, and between Text Twister and Scrabble, I was really "worded" out! Think I was seeing a lot of floating letters in my head for many days on. (In fact, must also confess that since coming home from this trip, I've been hooked on this other word game called Bookworm, which I can play for HOURS!)

Lest you thought we got buried in food and words, we did get OUT of our rooms (on occasion!) and walk around the resort! Even found some pretty spots for "banana tree" dancing - in Indian-style, haha!

And at other times when we weren't quite moving around, watching movies in the room or simply lazing by the poolside was another pretty relaxing option :)

Check out the view from where I was lying on that deck chair -- a glorious spread of coconuts yonder! Just thankful that none of them dropped on my head :)


All the fun stuff aside, I did some serious reflecting and reading while I was in Malacca, and the book that blessed and ministered to me was this book called "Finding Freedom and Rest in Grace Land" by Steve McVey. For those of us Christians who struggle with legalism and understanding grace, I highly recommend this book.

I was reminded of my own spiritual bankruptcy, and how much I needed to Return to God, and trust Him FULLY -- 100%, not just 99%! There is a big difference, that one per cent, that is! I realised that once I was able to come to the point of FULLY relinquishing wanting my own control of life, I was actually FREEer than if I had retained control in the first place.

What the world values is often diametrically opposed to what God says is important. This is what Pastor Edmund calls the "ontological inversion" -- we were made for spiritual things, but because of sin, have sought earthly things to fill a spiritual gap. We value power and control, but God says, in weakness is strength perfected. We value horses and chariots, but God says, in quietness and trust is our rest (Isaiah 30:15).

Something to learn about being in the world, but not OF the world...